tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central April 11, 2012 10:00am-10:30am PDT
[cheers and applause] >> jon: dheaz our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> buzzer beater now. 20 seconds each. i think it's a good attack on the president [buzzer] >> talk about jobs and the economy captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> tonight, the obama administration puts so much pressure on the coal industry, soon it will be the diamond industry. [laughter] then i explore the income gap between men and women and get paid pretty well to do it. [laughter] and my guest, richard hersh, is going the fight a tiger, and if he survives, we'll talk about
his book on higher education. 30% of online traffic is porn. according to the new england journal of underestimating things. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: thank you very much. [cheering and applause] thank you, everybody. thank you for joining us in
here, out there and obviously all my viewers from ravenclaw and hufflepuff. [laughter] nation, some days i have to do this show no matter how sad i am. tonight is one of those nights. i mean, look at me. i'm a mess. my part is all over the place. my knot dimple is off center. i might as well be in sweatpants. and it's all because of this. >> this presidential race for us is over, for me, and we will suspend our campaign effective today. >> stephen: noooooooo! rick, rick, i loved you, but not in man-on-dog way. [laughter] now, many are speculating that santorum dropped out now to avoid the embarrassment of losing to romney in pennsylvania, his home state, though given the number of houses mitt romney own, pennsylvania is probably his
home state, too. [laughter] anyway, that's it. santorum is out, and we will have much more on how very soon we'll be talking about him very little later in the show. [laughter] oh, we won't? that was fast. [laughter] so bon voyage. i want to say "chip"? though the media spotlight moves on the romney, folks, these days all politicians have a powerful media outlet at their disposal -- twitter. and no republican uses it more effectively than 78-year-old cyberpunk senator chuck grassley. over the weekend, grassley caused a twitter storm by responding to obama's criticism of the supreme court with this tweet: "constituents asked why i am not outraged at post-traumatic prezo
attacks." tough talk? sure. tough to understand? oh, yeah. [laughter] but i believe grassley's just proving he's a fiscal conservative by refusing to buy a vowel. folks, i was so impressed with the senator's economy of language that i went back to read his entire twitter feed. check out this blast from march 12th. norwalk hs 41 students stop prices afghanistan, gay marriage, iowa, economy, f-16. folks, folks... [cheering and applause] this isn't just tweeting. this is avant-garde stream of consciousness poetry. it's jack kerouac typing "on the road" with his thumbs. how does he do it? is he in a trans? does he rub tuna on his iphone and let his cat have at it?
well, the senator hazlett us inside email@example.com -- the senator has let us inside his process, saying "i love tweeting, but i don't like to type." i know what he means. i love cooking, but i don't like to chop. still, you should try my salsa. mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm. mmm, mmm, mmm. mm. chunky. of course, my favorite avant-garde grassley tweet is this minimalist masterpiece from early march. it works on so many levels. well, three levels. nation, i am so inspired that i want to send some grassleyesque tweets of my own. let's see. [clears throat." i am so excited to tweet like my hero grassley u.s.a., u.s.a.,
hash tag, i got the tweets like grassley. and send. nation, join me please in celebrating chuck grassley's artistic breakthrough and tweet like grassley. it won't be easy, but you can take inspiration from the senator's stirring message of hope. peace. a truer consonant has never been typed. nation, you know, i don't need to tell you what i think. i need to tell you what you think. this is "tip of the hat, wag of the finger." [cheering and applause] >> folks, i am sick and tired of obama's job-killing environmental regulations. although i could just be sick and tired from all the heavy metals in my water. well, now the e.p.a.-hole has her sights set on an industry near and deer to america's
hearts in that it is in our lungs. jim, do it. >> the e.p.a. has issued new regulations that can virtually put the coal industry out of business. >> the environmental protection agency plans to put limits on power plant carbon emissions. >> stephen: putting limits on carbon emissions? what's next, putting limits on how fast we can drive? what? really? welcome to obama's america. [laughter] now, fortunately the coal industry is taking a stand here. so a tip of the hat to cecil roberts, president of the united mine workers, who knows how to appeal to american sense of justice >> the coal industry is not far behind with respect to what happened with osama bin laden. the navy seals shot osama bin laden in pakistan and lisa jackson shot us in washington. so there you go. >> >> stephen: well done, sir. osama bin laden was definitely the sympathetic figure in that
story. and who can forget how upset the american people were when the american government took bin laden out. >> u-s-a, u-s-a! >> stephen: u-s-a, of course, the first three letters of usama. if you're comparing the coal industry to homicidal maniac, i would have gone with saddam hussein. the guy knew a lot about fossil fuels and he spent some time in an underground shaft. true story. sad but true. next up, i love sleeping. it's the second most fun thing you can do in bed. the first being breakfast. this is family show. so a tip of my hat to the research corporation for an innovation that will help me sleep better at night. >> today i'm going to show you some features of our revolutionary bed bunker. it's a concealed safe that replaces your box springs. many people have asked me, how long does it take to access your
bed bunker. it takes less than ten seconds. guns are right beneath you so you can access them in a hurry. [laughter and applause] >> stephen: that's like a lull buy, and there's not like counting your sheep and then blowing their heads off. folks, this bed bunker system answers all those questions that keep me awake at night, like how can i protect my family and why is my box spring not filled with guns. but thanks to the bed bunker, i can set my sleep number to 357, and it's bound to keep your guns safe. what thief would ever think to look for valuables under a mattress? but is the bed bunker system big enough to hold all my weapons? >> the safe holds up to 35 rifles and 70 handguns. >> what a relief. not only will i sleep better knowing my guns are right beneath me, i'll probably do some other things better in bed
knowing i've got all that firepower down below. again, i am speaking of breakfast. plus, this bunker is great, but when i'm in the bedroom an hear a suspicious noise and have just a few seconds to get up, push the mattress over, fetch the keep taped behind the curtain rod, open it, select the perfect weapon from my 35 rifles and 70 handguns and then open fire on the bastard. but remember, you have got to win this firefight, because if you don't, those criminals will now have access to 104 weapons. [applause] but, as good as this system is, i am not sure i can wait ten whole seconds to get my guns. that's why tonight i am proud to introduce stephens colbert's phase bunker. just remember to take it off before making breakfast. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause]
have had it with the media accusing the republicans of waging a war on women, andly personally fight any woman who says we are. luckily rnc chairman and latin term for erectile dysfunction does exactly what this so-called war is. it is a liberal fantasy fanned by the lame-stream media. >> the democrats said we had a war on cat pillars and every mainstream media outlet talked about the fact that republicans have war on caterpillar, then we'd have problems with caterpillars. >> stephen: now, to be clear, the republicans are not fighting a war on cat pillars. they are simply calling for transcocoonal ultra sounds. now, unfortunately, folks, this war on women myth has taken root. a new poll shows that likely candidate mitt romney trails obama among women voters by 19 points. [cheering and applause]
well, i am not going to stand by while this fictitious war drives women away from the g.o.p., which is why tonight i am introducing my new segment -- no, make that my new setting-woment, "stephen colbert's lady heroes." now, no surprise, folks, lady heroes are all men because conservative men feel comfortable speaking for women. they understand it's not a uter-u. it's a uter-us. they love it here. [applause] lady nation, tonight's lady hero hails from wisconsin where embattled governor scott walker has just repealed the state's equal pay enforcement act which allows legal recourse for women who have been paid less for equal work.
hot tip: if you are going to sue your employer for unequal pay, hire a lady lawyer. it's much cheaper. but walker is not tonight's lady hero. no, that honor goes to the man who led the repeal of the equal pay act, wisconsin state senator glen grothman who knows that wage discrimination is just a million. take a hypothetical husband and wife who are both lawyers. the woman takes time off, raises kids, is not go, go, go. the husband is making $200,000 a year. the woman is making $40,000 a year. it wasn't discrimination. there was a different sense of urgency in each person. you could argue that money is more important for men. [audience reacts] exactly. women don't care about money. i'm not even sure they cash their paychecks. besides, good luck even finding them in those handbag, am i right, fellas? you see, grothman understands that money is a guy thing, like football or buffalo wings or
deciding what is fair compensation for women. besides, us dudes need the cash to impress the ladies. they have way less money for some reason. [laughter] so bravo to this month's lady hero, glen grathman. i can't wait to learn who will get this honor next time of the month. we'll be right back. slow.
[cheering and applause] mr. hersh, thanks so much for coming on. >> thank you. >> all right, sir, you got the new book. it's called "we're losing our minds, rethinking american higher education. you know a little bit about american higher education. you're the president of a couple of colleges out there. hobart, also trinity college. >> yes. >> you're the vice president of academic affairs at a couple other different places. if you think higher education is such a great thing, sell me on it. say something smart, smart guy. [laughter] >> it's the most important way people learn how to think, gosh get their own identity, think creatively. >> stephen: so before people were going to these colleges, okay, people didn't know how to think? you're saying jesus was dumb. you just said that. is that what you want to say? sell some books. >> education for the 21st century asks us to think beyond what our ancestors did, building
on, that standing on their shoulders, learning about that, of course, but to go beyond, to be creative, to be inventive, also to be humble. >> excuse me? i'm in the a huge fan of higher education, as i said, but you seem to think there's something broken about it. what's broken about it now? people go to college, a lot of people go to college. everybody is trying to get in it's impossible it's so popular. >> too often we're asking students to go through college rather than put in the time and effort and be challenged in a way that helps them develop their highest capabilities intellectually as well as emotionally. >> what is side tracking them? they go to class. >> we're not making enough demands on them. we're not asking them to read much, write much, make public performance in terms of being able to solve problems. we are, in fact, lowering the standards that we had 30 and 40 years ago. >> stephen: really? so you want to take us back 30 and 40 years. you want us to go backwards.
are you in favor of classical liberal arts education? >> i am. i am. >> stephen: okay. what's wrong with the conservative arts? what's wrong with that? >> all good education conserves the best of what we know and it questions the best of what we know in case we were wrong. >> stephen: let's talk turkey. lets r talk about reality of what kids face right now. they are learning one thing that will prepare fennel for the world. they're learning how to accrue crushing lifelong debt. [laughter] and to pay that off, they need good jobs. what's an english major going to do for you when america needs engineers and betweens who can put together ipad. >> almost all the corporate executives and most of the people who are dealing with employment where thinking is supposed to be part of the job really do value not only the engineering skills, the business skills, the accounting skills, but really do argue for an ability for people to make sense of a whole different set of
knowledge, english, literature, philosophy, psychology, anthropology. >> but i have an account. if i hire an accountant, okay, i want my accountant to fill my spreadsheet with numbers. okay. i don't want an essay on gender inversion in shakespeare's corlianus. i just want them to balance the books. >> that's fair, but we also want them to go home and be good citizens. we want them to be good family members. we want them to, in fact, do more than simply understand that education is for a job, narrow job skill. we want them to also be able to ask questions and to solve problems that are new rather than get stuck in something that's sort of assembly line-like. >> you say there is a crisis in education where colleges aren't doing what they're supposed to be doing. who is doing it right? >> what's common about the schools that are doing it right is they have cultures are that are challenging that ask
students to engage in far more work and effort, far more writing and reading, far more integration of knowledge. >> stephen: i went to dartmouth. how about dartmouth? how are they doing? they're in the top ten in the u.s. news and world rortd thing. >> i would choose schools like m.i.t. as an example of a high... >> m.i.t. is like a tech school. it's the harvard of devries. >> people don't know that m.i.t. has some of the finest humanities and social sciences requirements for all people that go to that school. university of virginia has a very good program. >> stephen: okay. >> honors programs in almost all big universities are first rate. the honors programs are. how do we get all students to experienced what it would be like to be challenged in a honors program. hobart college is doing some exciting work. >> stephen: oh, what a surprise. where you were is doing the right thing. uh-huh. promote much, sir? >> university of michigan is an
undergraduate school does some wonderful work with students. >> stephen: what does that mean? what do you mean wonderful work because there are some things that all students can appreciate when they go to college, you know, gaining 15 pounds and being in an a cappella group. those are universal. what's like a specific thing a college might do? >> no matter which course they take, it will be for most courses, their being asked to actually engage in serious thoughts, lots of reading, lots of writing and getting a lot of assessment and feedback, and they are challenged all the time, rather than simply taking courses for credit hours and getting a diploma and claiming, here's my diploma, i'm educated and i haven't done much for it. there's too much grade inflation, for example. >> do you think there should be standardized testing to prove you've achieved a certain amount in college? >> in many professions like architecture and engineering for example, pharmacy, people have to leave and take licensing exams, so there are already many external tests. some standardized tests would be useful to ask the question: are
we in this college doing as well as our competitors with similar students. that's not the only kind of assessment we want. >> stephen: you want to assess if someone's been to college, just give them a test with one question. is god dead, they check yes, you know they went to college. thank you so much for joining us, mr. hersh. the book is "we're losing our minds" by richard hersh. we'll be right back. thank you so much. p8@q b;0:úbp) 4p9pw ú2eaeh"@@0$@dbc4?
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